Dearest Daddy,

Hi, Daddy. I had to write to you. I need to tell you some things. Things about me, about you, how it impacted me and how you impacted my life. I first want to tell you that in no way is any of this meant to harm you however, it may end up sounding that way. That is not my intention at all and you will understand this as you continue to read.
I know that you have had a difficult time accepting many things in your life, mostly, a child. I know that you never wanted any children and I also know that you pacified my mother by agreeing to her getting pregnant with me. I understand that this was a difficult decision and I am glad you chose the path you did, as I would not be here today if you hadn’t. I often felt small compared to you, not physically but emotionally and mentally. As a child growing up I remember you telling me that you never wanted a child and if you had to have one, you would have wanted a boy. So, my main mission in life became something that, still to this day,  has become a compulsion. My goal, my mission, my soul purpose on this earth, was to make you love me. To be anything you wanted me to be. To be the boy you wanted but never got. To be the boy that never disappointed you. To become you in every way in mind.  I know there were times that you felt love for me. And I also know that you never learned emotion and how to show it. I accept that and actually envy you. I wish I had been that lucky, however, I am an emotional person even though you can not tell because my thick wall confines it all. All the hurt, the sadness, the scared, the worry. Everything. I wish that I could let it pour out from me so that I can tell you everything that is in my head. To tell you everything I never could, things that I could never say. My life has revolved around you since the day I was born.
After you and mom separated, I was devastated. My life that I knew came to a crashing halt. Everything that I had worked so hard for, making sure that I was the perfect child, came to a screeching halt. “Was it my fault?” is all I could think. “Is it because he never wanted me?” “How can I fix this?” All of these things ran through my head, wondering what could be said or done to correct the damage that I placed on my shoulders. After not hearing from you in 3 years, my thoughts, I felt, were confirmed. It was me. You wanted nothing to do with me. Knowing this inside killed me, made me cold to emotion. I became a bitter and nasty person, someone I never thought I would become. But yet, I still tried, in everything I did, to make it so you weren’t disappointed in me, even though you weren’t there to witness it. At night I would cry, wishing I could have done things differently, wishing that I could, somehow, bring you back into my life, find you and bring you back so that I could prove to you that I wasn’t a mistake. When you finally came around and decided to be in my life I had already become hardened and disinterested in life. I think that is why we never could get close. I felt as though you looked right through me as if I wasn’t there. But, when you saw me, when you really looked, I think you realized what kind of person I had become and made steps to “soften” my shell.
As time went on, I became closer to you, visiting with you and your new wife from time to time. Life was complete when I was with you. My heart was full, I had my Daddy back. I had the one person in my life that I loved more than myself. More than breathing, more than life. I think you know that I loved you. I think you know that I strove to be everything you wanted of me. I wish I knew what I could have done to make it perfect.
When we had that last fight and you told me never to contact you again, I was thrown back into childhood all over again, except I was 27 not 8. I had a husband and children, not just my mother that was falling apart at the seams. I couldn’t become hard again, I couldn’t put my husband and children through that pain. When I found out you died I thought I would die. I thought that everything I knew to be perfect, to be right, was gone. Everything I did up until that day I did for you, to make you proud, even though you wouldn’t speak to me.
I sit at night alone in my living room looking at your picture. Wishing that I could take back the day that we had the fight, wishing it had never happened. I never got to say I love you. Never got to say that you were my light, my star in the darkness. I know now that I shall forever live with the guilt of the things I said. I will also forever live with the guilt of knowing that you died not knowing that I loved you.
This is my thank you. My thank you for leaving yourself forever imprinted on my mind. Forever in my thoughts. Forever in my actions. I love you Daddy. Sleep well.

Love,
      Your Daughter